kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
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*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.