Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]
“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
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[Looking at the vast night sky]
Her: What do you think about other life forms?
Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit
Dad: Where were you?
Earth wire: Hanging out with live and Neutral
Dad: You grounded
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Wife: Stop acting like a child!
Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!