kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*