@continentlbkfst

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

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@moooooog35

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

@thatUPSdude

My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep

“I know” was probably not the right answer

@duplicitron

Mail some pirates a treasure map leading to the exact spot where you need a hole dug for a tree.

@BadMikeyBad

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

@linkindrinkin

professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

@PoodleSnarf

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

@sixfootcandy

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

@RachelNoise

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave