kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
#winning
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.