Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight
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I’m confused about plants
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400
pawn shop owner: i can do $250
me: [cocking gun] how about now
pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business