@AndyAsAdjective

KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight

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@ThisLocalHater

Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

@FrenulumBreve

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

@JPLFR80

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@Breadery

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

@crashtestdrummy

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you should be washing your hands after bathrooming at home, too.

@sofarrsogud

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.