The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight
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Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today
A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
my grandmother is A SAINT
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Me: Your eyes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you should be washing your hands after bathrooming at home, too.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.