Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”