kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore