Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.


*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.


ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.


This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.


Unless you’re planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.


A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”


DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*


interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing