@Tmoney68

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

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@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@LizerReal

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

@realHamOnWry

Unless you’re planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

@3sunzzz

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

@KalvinMacleod

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

@suecorvette

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing