KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO