KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Got ya covered
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught