WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
What the hell is going on?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
😆this is so true
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”