I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
You Might Also Like
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
brian had himself a morning…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.