kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.