Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why