KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
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How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes