ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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the goat of all dad jokes
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
god: go to earth
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
ME: she exclaimed
ME: she was speechless
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.