*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
This headline is a thing of beauty
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.