Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.