Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
CRYING
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.