Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Kid: help my cat’s stuck in a tree can you save him
Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.