Basketball games are very squeaky.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
liiiiiiiiike
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
How do horror writers compete with current events?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.