Kid: help my cat’s stuck in a tree can you save him

Me: of course little girl *throws bible at cat* do you accept jesus as your lord

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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.


Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.


like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’


[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*


1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”


Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT


[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?


Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.


me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait


Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.