KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
You Might Also Like
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[the middle of showering] I need a break
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*updates tinder bio*
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.