Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
When you don’t understand how floors work
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur