Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.