Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You Might Also Like
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
fixed it
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Holy moly
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?