@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

You Might Also Like

@TheRobCee

“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense

@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

@robdelaney

Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”

@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@blade_funner

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

@RealMMyers78

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

@Lindzeta

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?

@WheelTod

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”