Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER