@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

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@IvoryGazelle

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

@0point5twins

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@SvnSxty

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

@UncleDuke1969

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

@funflaps

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink