Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

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“Hey, let’s make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS.”

-inventor of incense


[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six


Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.


Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”


Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.


A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.


Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.


Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?


[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”