Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Oops
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
lmao
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”