@Brampersandon_

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

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@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

@WhatevaConc

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

@sarapascoe

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

@radtoria

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

@darksidedeb

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@oakhillbargrill

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

@lincnotfound

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@LoveNLunchmeat

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!