KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

You Might Also Like


In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!


People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.


When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.


*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.


6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy


That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!