KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.