Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.