KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
listen closely
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.