ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Lois Lane spends a lonely afternoon at the beach because she doesn’t recognize any of her friends in sunglasses.
“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
I’m opening up a restaurant called: I Don’t Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.