KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.