Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time