@TuSoonShakur

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

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@Tmoney68

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@shawnspree

Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

@squirrel74wkgn

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!

@Ideal_Victoria

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

@ComedicBust

*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..