kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.