kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
bout dat hot dog summer
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.