kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

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Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.


I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?


I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie


Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!


Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.


I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.


[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

Haha, April fools


Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!


There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.


*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..