kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same