Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water


When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”


Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.


You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude


I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.


My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends


I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people


[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd