@junejuly12

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

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@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@Jake_Vig

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

@IamJackBoot

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

@juliussharpe

You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.

@iGreenMonk

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

@MableGertrude

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W