@Marlebean

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

You Might Also Like

@mydanimarie

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@ruinedpicnic

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE

@amishschool

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

@RatBatallion

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .