Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
oh my gosh!!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
gm
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine