DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy
Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .