kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

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Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty


I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.


Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?


I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.


You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.


What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario


*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.


*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*


My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.