Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*launders Kohls cash*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck