Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
i was baptized in a car wash
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
The French cow says MEUX…
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”