Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
(Gaming support cat.)
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Just a phase…
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.