Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“No way.” -Jose
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
this is literally a CIA plant
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Confused owl: What?!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*