@lloydrang

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

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@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@jordan_stratton

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

@SgtButtCheeks

I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@girlnarly

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?