Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

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‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string


Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?


I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time


*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]



CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CENTURION: when is it tho


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*


“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?