KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people