Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
A bold strategy
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.