@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

@NathanBgood

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

@JustMeTurtle

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

@better_off_dad

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

@funflaps

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]