My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
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He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.
Devil: I made potato chips.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?
P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am…