@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

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@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@reaghhan

doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@Marlebean

{marriage counseling}

I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…

*therapist scribbles furiously*

@tomcashgent

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@figgled

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.