Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You Might Also Like
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)