kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
You Might Also Like
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces