Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
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Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
superman: wait is this wrong
Picture me eating dinner.
Even more backup dancers.
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.