Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

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[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.


Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.


“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants


My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.


Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}


I think you can all settle down. Its unlikely Instagram will ever find buyers for photos of 20 000 feet and a billion sunsets.


Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming