@callmeEvian

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

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@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@BoogTweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

@LarkynSimony

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

@climaxximus

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@UncleDuke1969

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

@AnniemuMary

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@briangaar

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.