kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants