@ArfMeasures

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

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@EJGomez

[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”

@ThePocketJustin

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

@Schmoodles

It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.

@stephenjmolloy

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

@AlexvanBeek

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@MomOnFire

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@_NinJar

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Tim!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.

autocorrect*growling*: Tim.

me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.