[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
You Might Also Like
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
just having fun
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.
me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.