I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed