I tried watching Annabelle Recreation and Jigsaw last night to clear my head of the horror I saw from Manchester United last night but they where not scary enough.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
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Alright who illegally parked the phone booth
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.