Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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I tried watching Annabelle Recreation and Jigsaw last night to clear my head of the horror I saw from Manchester United last night but they where not scary enough.


As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Recently found out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said “Satin”. Oops.


Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters


(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!


me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco


Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”


“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.