@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

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@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@PickleRudd

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

@Contwixt

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@Hil439

I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@El_nacho_Nigre

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

@JillianKarger

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.