flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.
shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.