@thevaginadiary

Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?

Adult: Tired.

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@Barknado69

Waiter: how did you two meet

Me: this is actually a blind date

W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET

@CroweJam

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

@Cheeseboy22

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@WheelTod

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.