Waiter: how did you two meet
Me: this is actually a blind date
W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?
MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Why are they called condoms and not woody hoodies?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her