Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How funny!
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.