Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
he speaks in typos
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!
ok maybe we should take 5
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]