Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
You Might Also Like
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.